Here I share, from the heart, an experience of using all my senses, my entire body to understand myself and the situation I was in. To not rely solely on my mind as the source of information, but to trust that we have so much more knowledge available than we are aware of. Using all our senses.
Two weeks after this experience I am introduced to the “Presencing Theatre” in the MIT program TheoryU I studied at the time. A practice that is exactly what I did. Using all our wisdom, visions, senses to extract information of the current. Today, in my work with leadership, I use this kind of practices from time to time when meeting courageous, openhearted teams. And it brings a wider sense of knowing, and a little magic to life.
In April 2018 I was caught by an avalanche and close to getting killed. I was also part in saving the life of one of my close friends. It was a shattering, eventually transforming event. I am hugely grateful for that defining moment, and its aftermath ...
I recall an evening in autumn 2018, half a year after the avalanche. I am contemplating on what it has done to me. I am experiencing a transformative change and want to put it into words. A change that is somehow an extension of the journey of my burn-out started in 2011. Same direction, but still different. Want to try to understand it. To try to define it in words, even though the words are not enough. Be able to learn, grow and integrate.
In the absence of words, I feel a need to experience the shape of the transformation. By acting. Theater. A slow dance to try to find a way beyond the limited palette of words to express my transformation and find the answer to how I should dare to stand strong in it.
In modesty not to take space for the others I go away. To move in solitude. The energy is not there, and the dance comes off. I go into the room where F and C sit. On the carpet in front of them, closing my eyes, I start my spectacle. Feeling into what wants to come. What movements are true. Follow. When I get to be in our joint field, without having to exist as an own individual but be completely one with everything, I can follow. Free! Feeling. Dance. As soon as I consciously note that F and C are in the room, the magic disappears. A sense of separation, “I” and “they” are created, and it becomes impossible to move on. Only when I release them from my consciousness, into everything, not to exist, but to coexist, I can move on. Taking in. Feeling. Dancing. Slowly. Truth!
I get out of something old and into something new. Take one step aside. - “I have accepted a new reality. That a new map and new basic assumptions are in place. That I know what to do / want / must do Must - not as a coercion, but as a tremendous force that draws me towards it ... That I should use my time to contribute to the transformation of consciousness happening in the world.”
In the new reality, I become small, seated, crawling, crouching like a ball on the ground. Head down. Tense. -“I have accepted that the transformation takes place. The map has been changed. That I will change to follow my call. But I'm small, scared and alone.” Do not know how to dare to navigate the new terrain. Don't know if I dare to trust that it bears. Need something... Feeling inwards. Paying attention to what comes…
Stretching up the right arm, as if to seek something. Upwards, like a child looking for the hand of his father.
I feel held, borne. How something holds my hand. A physical sensation of being held in the hand, even though I know that I am alone in my dance. A warm sense of safety and belonging. - “I need to be taught and held. Supported and led. To be the apprentice.”
I’m trying to stand, but I can't. I do not yet have what I need to be able to stand and go my new way. Looking forward to what I need. Stretching out my left hand. Downward, like a father looking for his child. Feel contact. – “I also need to teach, lead and guide. To be the master.”
Now I can get up and stand strong in my new reality. Now I dare. To stand. To move. Alone, but together. Strong and weak. Whole!"
Finding the dynamics of leading and being led. Teaching and being taught. Holding and being held. To be master and apprentice. Teacher and student. A duality. A dance. Integration. Unity! To dance! DANCE! With something, with someone.
This someone is one person and everyone. Is me. Is everything and nothing. Me and you. Light and dark. To live this in every moment. Every interaction. Integration of this in all contexts. To dance! Finding contexts to dance in. Contexts to dance with. People to dance with.
It also means that I need to free myself from contexts that do not dance my dance. People who don't dance with me. Everyone does not fit. By freeing me I also release them to dance their dance. And it is all our responsibility to feel into our own dance. And to dance it.
So, my friends. Let’s dance!